Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
