I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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