Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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