Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
