mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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