I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
