it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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