Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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