I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
