Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
