Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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