hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
