life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
