I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
