I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
