good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
