I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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