Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
