my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
