After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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