how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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