i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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