apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
