But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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