remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
