Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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