i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
