My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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