she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
