Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
