Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
