I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
