Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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