i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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