it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
