You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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