The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
