Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
