Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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