hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Randomize
