youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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