Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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