hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
