quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
why is half of my head shaved?
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