ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
