I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
