Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
