it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
