Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
