i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Pooping to opera.
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